Have you finally orgasmed yet?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
