i permit you to call me
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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