ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
