two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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