A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
