I got chris browned last night
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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