my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
