we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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