We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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