wrigley field is MILF paradise
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
this boner is exhausting
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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