anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
