I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
