so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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