What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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