I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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