i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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