I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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