You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Soap is not a condiment
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
