I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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