Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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