i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
