The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
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he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.