Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
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WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
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He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.