How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?