in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
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Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
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well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.