I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
