Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
