i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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