someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
