I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
