it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
