That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
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can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
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I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."