I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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