I haven't been this sober since birth.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
