Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
