I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
