He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
