those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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