somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
