What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
He uses pillows to masturbate.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
