really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
