There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Randomize
