the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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