The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Randomize
