the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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