my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
