i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
