Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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