he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
