i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
