I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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