i love accidental penises.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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