I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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