when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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