And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I have feelings that need drinking.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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