Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
