Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I need moral support for this bender
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I need a beard to bite.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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