sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
