There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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