That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
