I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
