Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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