If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
