I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I am one with the molecules
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
