Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
